Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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