Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think my fart just growled at me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
