My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
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It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
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It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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