The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
