so that wasnt chicken after all
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
