masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
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thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
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Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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