Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
