I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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