I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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