Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
