Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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