I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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