they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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