How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
