So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
