you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
