Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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