btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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