i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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