Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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