I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
