what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
