i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
