No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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