Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
