I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
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