Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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