i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
17 year olds will be the death of me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
