your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
