if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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