Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
