you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize