why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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