I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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