I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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