Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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