I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We smell like vodka and hangover
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