No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
