I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
