You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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