I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This baby is an asshole
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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