did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
