The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
