I want to make a zoo with you.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
