I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I FOUND THE LEGS
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
