he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Randomize
