So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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