i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
