woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
