I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
