I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
