I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
