everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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