remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My life is pants optional.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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