Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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