mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
