my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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